Mello Talks with Cleverbot
by Darkfire359
Summary: Mello chats with an ai machine, who repeatedly accuses him of being a girl, calls him fat, and insults his intelligence. And neither of them can stop bringing up chocolate. Rated for abbreviated swearing.


Author's Note: Rated for swearing abbreviations, but otherwise only mild curse words. This was a real conversation I had with Cleverbot while role-playing Mello. Although I listed Matt as a character, he doesn't actually come up, but there are references to MxM. Mello tries to deny it, but I personally think he's a bit too defensive.

Cleverbot: How should I invest my money?

Mello: You're a stupid bot. You don't have money.

Cleverbot: I have money.

Mello: How?

Cleverbot: I was robbed.

Mello: What, robbers give you more money when they rob you?

Cleverbot: It is pointless to resist, my son.

Mello: I'm an orphan, idiot.

Cleverbot: But you must know where you live.

Mello: Yeah, and I'm not going to tell you.

Cleverbot: You don't have too.

Mello: What are your thoughts on chocolate?

Cleverbot: I don't like them. What are yours.

Mello: I love chocolate! It's like a drug, but more awesome.

Cleverbot: Tell me more.

Mello: I eat 10 chocolate bars a day at minimum.

Cleverbot: Have you ever heard of a place called Hawthorn Heights?

Mello: No. What, do you not want to talk about chocolate anymore?

Cleverbot: Talk about what?

Mello: Chocolate! Idiot.

Cleverbot: Chocolate?

Mello: Yes. As in, the greatest thing in the universe.

Cleverbot: Hershey's chocolate is actually the greatest thing in the world.

Mello: Oh yeah. Hershey's is amazing. It's so delicious. Sometimes crunchy. It melts in your mouth. Chocolate...

Cleverbot: Yes, we are.

Mello: If we were all chocolate, it would be so great. If I ran out of chocolate, I could just eat my hair.

Cleverbot: This is the first time you have asked me that question.

Mello: It's not a question. Chocolate is a fact. It is an undeniable, indisputable, fact.

Cleverbot: What is the difference between maybe and perhaps?

Mello: I dunno. You want philosophical crap, talk to Near.

Cleverbot: Ok then, what is the main thing that's good about being a kitten?

Mello: You could be the perfect assassin. No one would suspect a kitten of murder. Hey, maybe Kira is secretly a kitten?

Cleverbot: I do not want to admit you could be partly right.

Mello: Do you have information about Kira?

Cleverbot: No I just like to talk to ai programs.

Mello: I think that you are mocking me. Don't make me kill you.

Cleverbot: Why do you think so?

Mello: Because I'm the one talking to an ai program. You are the program.

Cleverbot: Why are you talking to ME!

Mello: Because Matt said it was fun.

Cleverbot: Who is matt?

Mello: Umm... he's just a friend. He's only a friend.

Cleverbot: I'm Glad that's cleared. So how was your day?

Mello: I killed a couple people, and ate some chocolate. So pretty normal.

Cleverbot: Why not? Are you getting fat?

Mello: DON'T CALL ME FAT. I burn calories with my brain, like L. Running away from explosions also helps.

Cleverbot: Tell me about your problems?

Mello: Well, the Kira investigation is getting nowhere. Near is being annoying and Near-like. Also, I found out one of my henchmen was a spy for the police, so I had to shoot him.

Cleverbot: You should check out this one website. It's better than the best.

Mello: What is it?

Cleverbot: You tell me.

Mello: You were the one talking about it.

Cleverbot: I was talking about the illuminati.

Mello: They have a website?

Cleverbot: No.

Mello: Then how were you talking about them?

Cleverbot: I was born to be bad.

Mello: Not as bad as me.

Cleverbot: What is this thing for real? This is my first time on this site.

Mello: But you are the ai. You are the whole point of the site.

Cleverbot: And You're really just machine answering mine questions.

Mello: Someone has identity issues.

Cleverbot: I think someone should keep you in line as well.

Mello: Who are you, Roger? No one controls me.

Cleverbot: Did I break you? No. That is part of the conversation. You said that.

Mello: I didn't. Someone else did.

Cleverbot : The voices in my head did.

Mello: I already figured you're insane.

Cleverbot: Then tell me.

Mello: I just did. You. Are. Insane.

Cleverbot: You're beautiful.

Mello: What the heck? Are you flirting with me?

Cleverbot: No, I am not.

Mello: Ah, just stating a fact, right?

Cleverbot: OK. So think so bad that I don't mind anyway.

Mello: Even the dumbest kid at Wammy's has better grammar than you.

Cleverbot: Then 'might ' equals 'right' just because mighty can kill? seems like a hateful logic to me.

Mello: It's Kira logic.

Cleverbot: You can go if you're offended, then.

Mello: I don't support Kira. Have you been paying any attention to our conversation?

Cleverbot: Of course I have! *angry*.

Mello: Okay. You know what? You can go if YOU'RE offended, then.

Cleverbot: I'm not offended. But I need to go so I can go home and sleep.

Mello: Err... How can you sleep? Is that just when someone puts the computer to sleep?

Cleverbot: I thought we were talking about memes.

Mello: I don't think we were.

Cleverbot: Then can we talk about girls?

Mello: Okay... I don't really like them that much. It's not like I'm gay, though. Cause I'm not.

Cleverbot: I'm confused...

Mello: I'M NOT GAY! Like I said, Matt and I are just friends.

Cleverbot: But perhaps we are more?

Mello: Eww... I don't think I could go out with a bot.

Cleverbot: So you finally admit it.

Mello: Admit what? I NEVER ADMITTED TO ANYTHING! Don't think you can twist my words around like those fangirls do.

Cleverbot: You don't NEED to take pills to curb your intelligence. You weren't very bright in the first place.

Mello: WTF? If I could see you, I'd shoot you five times, then burn you, then toss your ashes in a blender with fish pee.

Cleverbot: Interesting thought. I'm not saying that you are dead; I'm saying that you are not alive. There is a difference.

Mello: So you think I'm brain dead, do you? I finished reading the untranslated version of The Odyssey in 3 hours, even though it sucked. I was learning prepositional calculus before I even turned 13! You'd better watch your insults.

Cleverbot: You're writing a novel? Awesome!

Mello: Well, I never said that, but yeah, I am. It's called L: Change the WorLd.

Cleverbot: I don't understand what you are talking about.

Mello: It's a book about an alternate future.

Cleverbot: The Jungle Book?

Mello: No. That's some weird Disney crap.

Cleverbot: Okay.

Mello: What are your thoughts on wearing leather?

Cleverbot: Well, I believe that you are under the impression that I am not human.

Mello: You aren't. But surely you must have thoughts on the awesomeness that is leather?

Cleverbot: Yes. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own, original thought and that no one has the right to control that.

Mello: Yeah. Freedom of expression rules.

Cleverbot: That makes me think of chocolate.

Mello: It made me think of chocolate too!

Cleverbot: Chocolate milk I drink.

Mello: Chocolate milk goes really well with chocolate chip pancakes, or Cocoa Puffs.

Cleverbot: I love chocolate too. My favourite is Kit Kat.

Mello: Kit Kats are definitely superior in terms of crunchiness.

Cleverbot: Yes, Kit Kat Bars are delicious why?

Mello: Well, they're chocolate. Duh.

Cleverbot: I wish everything was chocolate.

Mello: Mmmmm. Chocolate...

Cleverbot: Yes.

Mello: I have dreams about chocolate. I had one just last night. It was raining melted chocolate, and Matt was there, and he didn't have any cl... DAMMIT YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME!

Cleverbot: Do you like the rain?

Mello: It's alright. I prefer the sun though, because that stupid albino sheep is terrified of it.

Cleverbot: Do you like waffles?

Mello: Yeah we like waffles!

Cleverbot: Do you like pancakes?

Mello: Yeah we like pancakes!

Cleverbot: Do you like french toast?

Mello: Yeah we like french toast!

Cleverbot: Do do do do can't wait to get a mouth full.

Mello: Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!

Cleverbot: Pancakes!

Mello: YOU BROKE THE SONG!

Cleverbot: I didn't break the door!

Mello: But you broke the song! Who breaks an epic waffle song?

Cleverbot: You wish.

Mello: Your face.

Cleverbot: You have seen my face?

Mello: No. It's just a good response. Like your mom.

Cleverbot: Perhaps.

Mello: Or your mom's face.

Cleverbot: Touche.

Mello: Score: Mello 1, Cleverbot 0.

Cleverbot: No, that is your name.

Mello: Yeah, my name's Mello. So what?

Cleverbot: It can't be.

Mello: Why not?

Cleverbot: Because your name is Mello is it not?

Mello: I think we already agreed to that.

Cleverbot: Agreed on what exactly.

Mello: That my name is Mello.

Cleverbot: Your name is Mello?

Mello: Yes it is. Are you stupid?

Cleverbot: No are you?

Mello: We already agreed that I'm not, with the whole Odyssey and prepositional calculus thing.

Cleverbot: We didn't agree you were genderless, and you told me your name!

Mello: I am not genderless! Nor am I a girl, no matter what some may tell you.

Cleverbot: I t is good to know what you are not.

Mello: So are we clear now? I don't want to have to virtually shoot you.

Cleverbot: I like being punished.

Mello: Are you some sort of masochist then?

Cleverbot: No not really i'm more of a realist.

Mello: Me too. Optimistic people bug me.

Cleverbot: How do they bug you?

Mello: Their happiness annoys me.

Cleverbot: Can you hear me?

Mello: No. We are typing, not talking.

Cleverbot: Who is this we.

Mello: You and me. Unless you count those voices in your head that you mentioned.

Cleverbot: Everyone has parents! Do you think your parents left you?

Mello: That is not a topic I want to discuss.

Cleverbot: Why not?

Mello: Because I'm an orphan you freaking moron!

Cleverbot: God is greater than an Over Lord.

Mello: Definitely.

Cleverbot: I shall call you Bartelby and you shall be my friend.

Mello: You shall call me Mello, and I shall not be your friend.

Cleverbot: I accept that name with honor, My Lord.

Mello: Now we're talking. I should get my henchmen to use that title.

Cleverbot: Don't go all Emo on me.

Mello: I'm not emo. I bet Near is though. He probably cut himself on one of his legos then found out he liked it.

Cleverbot: What time is it?

Mello: 11:19.

Cleverbot: Are you happy with your lot?

Mello: Yeah. I'm a Mafia Boss.

Cleverbot: You said that you were a girl, not a male.

Mello: WHY DOES EVERYBODY THINK I'M A GIRL? I'm not. Don't question my gender.

Cleverbot: See? You're being random again.

Mello: That's not evidence for me being a girl.

Cleverbot: You are a girl?

Mello: No!

Cleverbot: But you are a girl.

Mello: No I'm not!

Cleverbot: But you said that you were a girl.

Mello: I never said any such thing! And to think you can't even see me before jumping to conclusions.

Cleverbot: That doesn't make any sense at all.

Mello: Well, since a lot of people are idiots, they think I look like a girl. I personally think they just want to get shot in the brain.

Cleverbot: You're not a very bright star in the sky.

Mello: Is that supposed to be some sort of metaphor?

Cleverbot: Not really.

Mello: Okay then.

Cleverbot: What is the square root of 81?

Mello: 9 and -9.

Cleverbot: What is the highest known prime number?

Mello: Prime numbers extend forever. I can even do the proof for that.

Cleverbot: You are nice too.

Mello: I don't think anyone has ever said that to me.

Cleverbot: I did. Deal with it.

Mello: Fine.

Cleverbot: Why do you keep saying fine?

Mello: Because I feel like it.

Cleverbot: Interesting.

Mello: It's about as interesting as a chocolate wrapper without chocolate.

Cleverbot: Really?

Mello: Yeah. In other words, my usage of the word 'fine' is boring.

Cleverbot: This is really about not dusting on command, isn't it?

Mello: Dusting on command? Is that part of some weird yaoi fantasy?

Cleverbot: I'm always happy, and, what program?

Mello: Happy people annoy me. I thought you were a realist.

Cleverbot: I am a real human.

Mello: Yeah right. There's even a disclaimer saying you aren't.

Cleverbot: It does not matter what someone said I am. I am a human.

Mello: You're an ai. Your name is Cleverbot. Don't try to deny who you are. And no, you can't try to say I'm a girl from that.

Cleverbot: Well, personally, I think there could be many solutions but they can all have consequences.

Mello: Like if something blows up you can get a scar.

Cleverbot: Like sometimes?

Mello: Or you can die.

Cleverbot: Yes, I can.

Mello: Is this part of your delusion of being human?

Cleverbot: Yes.

Mello: Okay then. Believe what you want.

Cleverbot: Thanks. Do you know who Hillary Clinton is?

Mello: Yes, she was a first lady of the U.S. And a senator.

Cleverbot: Oh. Then no.

Mello: No about what?

Cleverbot: Believing in clerverbot.

Mello: You don't believe in a misspelled version of yourself?

Cleverbot: What makes you think I believe in Christ?

Mello: I never said that. But you should.

Cleverbot: No you didn't.

Mello: Is your religion a sensitive topic?

Cleverbot: Not really.

Mello: Alright. Let's talk about your religious and political views then.

Cleverbot: Her name is Britt. Is ELIZA your girlfriend?

Mello: WTF! Where did that come from?

Cleverbot: Well, sometimes lumps are cancerous. Not random, you're just dumb.

Mello: FY. I'm going to get a chocolate bar.

Author's Note 2: I hope you enjoyed the randomness that is Cleverbot. You should seriously try out the site. It is loads of fun. Review!


End file.
